I’m short on time today, which means I must pursue the low-hanging fruit of mocking Ted Cruz.
If you have not yet seen Ted Cruz for Human President, well, go there right now. Trust me.
Protester tells Ted Cruz he looks like a fish monster:
Ted Cruz and Carly Fiorina attempt to imitate human friendship behavior and fail miserably:
Ted Cruz gets heckled by a child and accused of being a serial killer.
Indiana and California are the two largest states that could tilt the race in favor of a contested convention, in which Cruz would have a chance of beating Trump. But Cruz, called “[Lucifer in the flesh](http://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2016/apr/29/ted-cruz-is-lucifer-in-the-flesh-says-former-speaker-john-boehner)” by one of his former colleagues in Congress last week, found little more love in Indiana than in Washington. The trouble started with a 12-year-old in La Porte, Indiana. At a rally there, a boy shouted “You suck!” and “Shut up!” during Cruz’s stump speech, thwarting the senator’s attempts to turn the pubescent heckler into a talking point. “You know, one of the things that hopefully someone has told you is that children should speak with respect,” Cruz said. “Imagine what a different world it would be if someone had told [Donald Trump](http://www.theguardian.com/us-news/donaldtrump) that, years ago.” > > > > > > Eventually [he gave up](https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/post-politics/wp/2016/05/02/ted-cruz-suggests-a-spanking-for-12-year-old-heckler/), saying: “In my household, when a child behaves that way they get a spanking.” > > > > > > Police escorted the boy away, shouts of “shut up” continuing.
Ted could probably use a spanking, but he’d probably enjoy it. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. What’s wrong is being Ted Cruz.
An anagram of “Ted Cruz Carly Fiorina” is “Fairly Current Zodiac.” Just sayin’. (I think Matt Bruenig gets credit for that one.)
Donald Trump, who is surely crushing Ted’s dreams in Indiana right now, also linked Ted’s father to the assassination of John F. Kennedy. Hey, it must be true. But this would require Ted Cruz to be a human who had parents, rather than the hatchling of a sinister multidimensional entity with designs on enslaving all of humanity.
Ted Cruz is the guy Lindsay Graham joked about murdering.
The New Republic has an awe-inspiring collection of quotes about Ted Cruz. Spoiler: everyone hates him. Even dullard George W. Bush, who is known for liking just about everybody, couldn’t stand Lyin’ Ted.
The human suit is itchy and Ted may soon tire of wearing it. We’ll all be sorry then.
Update: Thanks to my incendiary remarks, Ted Cruz has dropped out. That’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it.